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So, gave myself the usual injection last night. They’d been almost entirely inefficacious up to now, so I didn’t feel at all concerned about it. This one was very effective. I injected it at 6 pm, and then began gradually to start worrying when it didn’t subside, and didn’t subside …. Tried, icepacks, Sudafed, hot showers, the works … (everything except violent exercise, it must be admitted). Did I dose myself from the second, stronger bottle by mistake?

At about 11.45 I gave in and tried to ring the clinic (according to the instructions on their form: Don’t delay – contact us at any hour of the day or night). There was no luck with either of the numbers, so I tried the emergency one. Only after he’d started to give directions for getting to his place, did I realise the Doctor I was speaking to was in Sydney … luckily the other, local doctor had picked up his messages by then; he, however, was in Coromandel, holidaying with his kids.

He said I should go to the Emergency ward, and that he’d ring ahead to alert them I was coming. North Shore proved a non-starter (no “urological registrar” on duty), so he rang again to direct me to Auckland Hospital.

Oh God! Parking was a bitch – the whole place one immense construction site, with signs tacked up here and there over an ocean of concrete and mud. They did know who I was when I finally got to Emergency, though, so I was led to a bed and questioned by a succession of nurses, doctors, form-filler-ins, etc. The same humiliating story to rehearse each time.

Luckily the erection began to subside as I sat there by the bed (“luckily” because I had absolutely no desire to have a needle inserted in my cock to drain out excess blood …) The Chinese surgical registrar – Call me Chen – contented himself with ice-packs and some heavy-handed squeezing of the offending member through clammy plastic gloves.

Got there about 12.45, left around 2.15 am, after an hour on my back with a bag of ice – Between your balls and your anus ... that’s where it does most good. It was a relief (of sorts) though. At least the thing went down.

I’m giving up that treatment – it scares me shitless now. In any case, I’m feeling particularly uninterested in sex just at the moment. When will I be ready for that down-elevator again? Unlucky in love, lucky in … who knows what?