1

Session 1 (4/9 – 8.44 a.m.):


mirrors were forbidden in the royal household

so princess tela had never seen herself

could she in fact have been said to know herself

lacking as she did that necessary self image

that sense of what can be seen through anothers eyes

of course she had seen other girls

the servants and ladies in waiting

who surrounded her at all times

she had to imagine she looked like one of them

waking this day unusually before dawn she

Tela and Sabra

The Princess and the Slumgirl

A Princess of Atlantis

A Princess of Lemuria √

3

dart in to unload but they never stayed tied to the wharf a moment longer than necessary there were a few signs of damage down there but nothing too extensive so far as she could see only yes one of the ten watchtowers had fallen leaving a gap in the walls high up on the mountainside she shivered in the cold wind on her bare flesh time to get dressed if she delayed much longer the whole palace would be awake and shed be caught in another day of ritual observances somehow this day seemed made for more than that she had to get out talk to someone see fresh things

the trouble was all her clothes were made for the palace tight bodiced gowns that left the arms and breasts bare sweeping down to the floor in clotted folds she had a cloak though and an old athletic tunic left over from the days when shed been allowed to exercise out on the fields with the boys shrugging it over her shoulders she thanked her stars her hair had been cut short a few days before all her long locks cut off and burnt before the goddess a sacrifice they called it but it had left her looking like a boy

out in the street the day had already begun pedlars were selling spiced meats on skewers they smelt so good for a moment she regretted her breakfast waiting for her back in the palace but then shed have missed this sense of bustling purpose these thousands of faces clustering together gossiping trading insults the lively tangle of a hundred alleys

it had been surprisingly easy to sneak out of the palace perhaps it was because the whole complex was designed to keep people out all the guard towers and arrow slits faced outwards and shed known for years there was a hidden exit from the garden some of the servants used it when they had secret errands to run it was guarded of course but that just meant waiting till the guards attention was distracted in this case by some of the servant girls splashing and giggling naked as needles in the shallows of the fountain

where should she go her original plan had extended only as far as getting out of the palace out from under her uncle and his schemes shed thought perhaps of checking out the earthquake damage looking at the damaged tower but now she began to realise that that was where all eyes would soon be turned better to go anywhere else if she was keen on not getting caught the steep streets sloped down to the harbour so that was the way her feet had instinctively been taking her perhaps after all that was the best way to proceed

unutterable toad – clotted or fresh – the best way to proceed

6

The gaping mouth of a mine – dark tunnel running back into the earth. Like the innocent railway in Edinburgh, or the mouth of the coal-shaft at Millerton.

You walk in cautiously, clutching at the moss-covered walls for guidance, trying to avoid tripping over the tracks. An indistinct spot of light appears at the other end, wavering like a pale flame. You continue towards it, as it gradually expands, revealing the end of the passage.

There were only a couple of minutes when you were wholly in the dark, and you felt nothing in particular – no sense of transformation, metamorphosis – but somehow, as you approach the other end, you find that everything has changed. All changed, changed utterly. Change for Crewe Junction.


[… Memories of that incident in the tunnels below North Head, standing in the dark of a cave, with a group of girls looking at you, straight in the face. “There’s someone there. I can almost make him out. It’s not completely empty.” They persisted beyond all reasonable expectation.

Finally, realising they weren’t going to go away, you walked out into the midst of them, commenting how interesting it was that one could see nothing when caught in the light of the window.

They stared: dumb, flabbergasted – shocked that anyone could want to stand there silent, hidden from the world …]


On the other side, everything’s reversed. A pretty blonde girl comes up and links her arm in yours. There’s a tribe of kids running around, demanding that you participate in their game. You grab a beer and start to argue about the rugby with a group of loud biker friends.

As evening falls, you ride back to the wilds of Titirangi. The house is full of people – not a book in sight – clamour of voices, curses, tantrums. You’ve got to be up early next day for work, so go to bed with your wife, the blonde girl, Sally. The two of you make love. She turns away and starts to snore.

Antiterra – tunnel into the earth
North Head / [Crewe Junction] / Titirangi

9

Tela, Honduras, is located within the department of Atlantida
Tela has become famous for its beaches
Best of all, it is still unspoiled …

Psychic Sabra, clairvoyant & clairaudient psychic
Psychic Sabra looks deeply into your life stream energies
She calls upon her guides, who show her the answers to your questions
with TV-like transmissions, complete with lively images & sounds

16

Back home you gulp down the tablets. The walk has done you good, you think – the monster seems a trifle more subdued. Nope. Without your undies, boing – it’s up again – like an illustration from a human biology textbook or a Kathy Acker novel – banana curve, taut testicles.

More lying watching tele – M.A.S.H. now. No change. A while later, one more tablet. No dice. No dizziness either. Just one distended cock.

It’s time for the ice. You wrap it in a towel, as advised, but that doesn’t seem cold enough. Instead, you drape the towel round your penis with the ice-cubes on the inside.

You penis starts to burn. Water begins to leak out. It’s painful – hot and cold at once – but, yes, it’s going down.

You stagger off to the bathroom and piss the rest away.

Hot shower, soap, steam, and you’re feeling almost human. Your dick’s still red and sore, but detumescent, thank God, at last.

Later still you talk it over on the phone.

“God, I wish I’d been there! You should have rung me.”

“I guess I should have, but sometimes – you know – bashfulness intervenes.”

On the morning of the departure of their fleet for
Sicily, the people of Athens awoke to find that
vandals had been busy during the night, knocking
the phallus off every Hermes in the city

20

tela laughed she could see her new found friend would not be satisfied with anything less than the truth had she in truth ever before been able to speak to someone unguardedly without calculating the percentages

a friend of mine lives nearby hell help us im sure the main thing is to get you out of those clothes and out of sight

sabra had not seemed at all shocked by telas story beyond nodding her head once or twice when the other girl talked about her uncle her fear of him her suspicions about what he was after shed contented herself with stroking a ginger cat whod come stalking up to sit beside them now as the cat preened and reared to have his ears scratched she took things in hand once again

i guess i should go back theyll have noticed im gone by now

go back like that they wont believe you even if you find a guard who recognises you youll be beaten within a inch of your life i bet

i wont get beaten im never beaten im the princess

theyll beat you this time princess dont you see what youve done if you disappear now theyve got the perfect pretext no id lie low for a bit before you even think about getting back inside

tela couldnt deny the logic of sabras argument it was not a view of the matter shed ever have taken herself but now she began to see how little interest her uncle really had in her continued presence her only defence till now had been the eyes of the court now outside their jurisdiction she would have to be more cunning than ever before if she was to survive

black & blonde & ginger
calculating – [threading] – the deep well

21

Come inside and be me
jump in and be me

There’s always good through bad

I know who I am with a routine

– Debbie


I can’t even remember
what it’s like to remember
Will I remember to remember?

– George


[writing poems]

It helps me to remember
because I can hear
the next part

[keeping a journal]

I only read the words
I can’t think back
to what I was thinking

– Sally

22

Imagine you forgot everything you heard straight after hearing it. People come in and introduce themselves to you. Before they’ve left the room you can’t remember who they are … can’t remember remembering who they were, in fact. As far as you’ve concerned, time stands entirely still. In this condition, anterograde amnesia, everything, for you, is perpetually beginning.

What do you do?

One way is to stick to a strict routine: do everything in just the same order every day: see the same people, do the same activities. Your day, your week, your month, your year all mapped out in advance. 50 First Dates.

Another way is writing down everything you do just as you do it – keeping a journal of your daily round. If you write it down at least you won’t lose the writing, however little it may mean to you as soon as it’s complete. The word becomes the thing it was describing.

Another way is writing and/or memorizing poems. Because they have an ordered structure: the predictability of rhythm and rhyme, it’s possible to hold them in your head: that part of your head which rests, miraculously intact, below the level of dysfunction.

The television documentary Living without a Memory (BBC, 2003) tracks the daily lives of three sufferers from this condition: Debbie, Sally and George. They all exist within a family structure. It’s hard, in fact, to imagine them surviving any other way …

How do you recover your past if you have retrograde amnesia?
Write down, blindly, everything that comes into your head
check it back for clues

How do you hold onto the present if you have anterograde amnesia?
List the things that strike you
link them up to preserve your train of thought

29

what had she said what had she understood it wasnt clear so many gnomic verses and yet it left behind a kind of sense of what shed come for what shed come to ask

its hard to tell you i have to think to work out more about it

sabras hand was resting on her pussy rubbing erect the little nub of pleasure yes that was good that was the way to do it the kisses travelled lower tela gasped bucked and started to come in her lovers


ontology – which world do I inhabit?
epistemology – what is my place in this world?

if you can’t form new memories
you can still manufacture synapses
in order to discover where you are

to find out where you’ve been you have to be more random
eschew all features of design
open your heart to whatever pours out

32

“It’s much better than [ ]
They mulled over the problem of how to get three [ ]
to his place on a [ ]
Micael solved it by riding Tela [ ]
returning in less than ten minutes to pick up [ ]
“I’m scared to death of these things,” Sabra [ ]
as she climbed [ ]
“Nothing to it. Lean back against the [ ]
squeeze your legs together and [ ]
Let me do all the work.” Micael [ ]
It was a short trip to his [ ]
but there were several turns and some [ ]
Sabra was disoriented as he pulled into a [ ]
stopping smoothly in the [ ]
Micael opened the door to the [ ]
“Welcome, come on in and make yourself [ ]
Inside Sabra was surprised to see Tela talking to another [ ]
The girl was [ ]
Tall, slender, with long legs and dark brown hair that reached her [ ]
Most of all, her green eyes under dark eyebrows were [ ]
She smiled, her mouth a trifle too [ ]
but very [ ]
“Shasta, this is Sabra. Sabra, meet Shasta.” Micael [ ]
The two girls nodded and said [ ]
“Can we find something to [ ]
I don’t know about Sabra and Tela , but I’m [ ]

green eyes under dark eyebrows
Atlantis & the islands = USA?

35

So encouraged, the frightened child rattled out some lines, then halted, her memory had failed, and she had to be reminded of the rest. At last she also was free, ran to her mother’s bosom, and was comforted with cakes.

Now arrived the supreme moment – that of the final selection. The choosing girl, in whose hand was the apple, stood before those who alone remained. She began: –

One, two,
Drops of dew.

Although there was so vast a concourse present, not a sound could be heard save the voice of the girl repeating the jingle, and the rush of the holy water over the weir. Every breath was held.

Nine and ten,
Pass again.
Golden pippin, now I cast
Thou, Portumna, touched at last.

At once the girl who had cast the apple withdrew, as also did the girl who skipped to the basin and cast in her garland. One alone remained – Perpetua; and the high priestess, raising her hand, stepped forward, pointed to her, and said “Est.” ’

A princess of Lemuria
apple-girls – the counting games – choosing the sacrifice

Perpetua – in perpetuity

44

it sounds increasingly flimsy the more he thinks about it
for better or worse, Annie, her house
her circle of acquaintance is his lifeline
letting go of that just now would be insane
she might well kick him out
one could hardly blame her if she did
she clearly has her own stuff to sort out
but at least he can get some leads from her
some clues, some hints about where he is

The book he finally settles down to is a strange one
A Field Guide to the Other World
it claims that eldritch sprits are all around us
but that the forms in which people see them
the writer calls them daimons
lake monsters, yetis, aliens, fairies
are simply a glamour they cast on the eye
we have no way of telling what they are
or even if they really exist
they represent the return of the repressed

Annie is Clara’s friend, the girl in love with pearls
here – innocent, self-sacrificing
sister of mercy

Princesse lointaine – Princess Nausicäa

46

It’s like that game where you draw a head on the top of a piece of paper
then fold it over, leaving only a little bit of the neck visible.
The next person draws a body, then folds that over
leaving only the tops of the legs visible.
The last one draws the legs.

The idea is to make the visible sections as deceptive as possible
to fool the next person.

But what if that person’s you?

The results are generally discordant and grotesque.

47

Session 13 (18/9 – 8.29 a.m.):

the girls were playing some kind of game tossing a large leather ball to and fro their young bodies sweating and gleaming in the sun tela and sabra sat down in the shade wait here their guide said

he disappeared into the shadowy grove

the girls were chanting each one a new line as the ball reached her one of them a little shorter than the rest was obviously having difficult with the responses hanging onto the ball longer than she should as her lips worked

stop

a commanding voice rang out

They’re practicing for when they play in earnest, for their lives
– S. Baring Gould

55

As they sit there, companionably
in the late afternoon sunshine
he thinks he sees her
the silver-haired girl
differently dressed, it’s true
wearing a brief top & some jeans
coming out of a shop
on the other side of the street

By the time he gets across
cars still scare him a bit
so big & fast
he hasn’t yet got his timing back
she’s gone
he tries casting up & down the street
in both directions
but there’s no sign of her

Annie’s still waiting there patiently
as he trails back

Is Annie’s uncle Bob or Bill?

Inconsistencies are scary

59

it was like a headache at the back of your eyes before the pain comes but when you know that the slightest move or exertion will bring it on its waiting there imbedded in you and then the waves of nausea come over you until you cant tolerate it any more and feel you have to do something anything cut yourself with a penknife pinch your skin until the nails break through but it comes in waves and then it retreats leaving you able to sit up and breathe again

tela had had it since she was a child before the tremors came she would feel them she tried to tell her nurse about it once only to find the womans eyes glaring at her with superstitious terror and that had put her off

perhaps if her mother had lived her father always seemed too distant too austere to approach with such things shed been so little when he walked into the lava and after that all her feelings were best hidden away when her uncles rule began

sabra listened silently saying nothing telas voice faltered her brown eyes looked deep into her friends looking for some hint of disbelief some instinctive moving away

at length she spoke you say you feel it every time

no not always i only know that when i feel it something is going to happen its hard to be sure when or where but when it comes i feel it feel the release

do you feel it more when its a bigger shock?

i think so yes not bigger but nearer sometimes its just half an hour or so before sometimes a full day

do you feel it now?

no not since the day we met

i think youd better tell them sappho and the others it might come in useful

theyll think im crazy

yes

64

Sabra [ ]
bucking her hips into Tela’s [ ]
They moved off [ ]
whose face was wet with Tela’s [ ]
He grinned at the sight of Sabra and Tela [ ]
sharing his [ ]
Shasta caressed the two [ ]
letting them [ ]
A few moments later, Sabra looked over at [ ]
“I think he needs some [ ]
indicating Micael’s [ ]
“Why don’t you have some [ ]
“Silly.” Tela smiled, “Haven’t you [ ]
“Sorry Tela. You’re [ ]
Shasta smiled, sliding a finger into Tela’s [ ]
“I’m not gay. I love [ ]
Both girls sat up. “Huh?” Tela asked, very [ ]
“She’s not my girlfriend.” Micael laughed. “She’s my [ ]
Shasta [ ]
Tela’s eyes showed great [ ]
But Sabra [ ]
“Atlanteans.” Sabra [ ]
“I love [ ]

Sabra replaces Tela in the dungeon of the sacrifice
Tela awakes to find herself on a ship sailing away from shore
as the land goes down in ruin
Sabra is left standing on the last promontory
as the lava rolls beneath her
& the priests are swallowed up in flame


something like that

65

• the Buddhist Stupa
• No Dogs in Northern Campgrounds
• the closed gate
• three stone-blows
• the ford
• the open gate
• the track
• the motor camp
• the card-phone box
• three dead possums in the road
• the wooden bridge to nowhere
• the broken concrete jetty
• No Dust Please

13 gates of the Land of Shadow

67

difficult if you got talking to anyone
to explain

– I could just say I was your cousin or something
say that I come from somewhere nearby
– best not to lie
I mean, not normally, perhaps
but at these things we try to tell the truth
& act … you know … correctly
I think that if anyone asks
you ought to tell them
or at the very least say
that you can’t say anything
– sounds like I’ll be the hit of the party
– it’s not a party, that’s the point
it’s quite a serious thing
– I’m sorry
I just thought
maybe there’ll be someone there I know
that I knew before
– no, you’re right
I’m being selfish
you definitely ought to come along

– What should I wear?
she laughs
– oh, you don’t need any special clothes
just what you’ve got on’ll be all right
those old clothes of Mickey’s
that’s the thing, you see
we’ll all be naked

We’ll all be naked – best to tell the truth
no matter how unpalatable, unsatisfactory
stasis – impotence – paralysis
of memory