37

knows how to butter toast
spear the mushrooms on his fork
he can eat like a human being, not a beast
still has some social graces
but he doesn’t know where he is
why he was there on the beach
knows no-one in the world except some people at that school
those faces in the street
& now, Annie

– Look, I’ve got to go to work
I can come back at lunchtime, though
I’m really sorry, but I’m late already
he said he’d fire me if I was late again
he nods to show he understands
that’s another thing I know
what gestures to make
he understands, firing, too, & jobs

– There’s books in there, some magazines
or maybe you’d prefer a nap
you’ll be okay
she couches it as a statement
but he can feel a question lurking

– I’ll be okay, he says
what kind of a world is this, he thinks
where a woman can find a naked stranger on a beach
take him back to her little house
then go away
leaving him the run of the place?
a better world than the one I was living in
the fork, the dream, the students
that little backstreet flat

A good place, not a million miles away
just a twist in the air perhaps

38

a brief trek over the hills
turn through the tunnel

Having ascertained he can still read
he begins to look through the heaps
of books & magazines
at the far end of the room

Annie’s library is a curious one
below a layer of garish paperbacks
The Third Eye
A Separate Reality
lie some solider, older hardbacks
mostly warped by damp
ranging from psychology textbooks to ghost stories
the magazines, he’s surprised to see
are mostly soft-porn
nothing hardcore, but plenty of “couples magazines”
with tasteful nudes & spicy experiences
he’s getting really engrossed in a story about a mother
seducing her daughter’s lover
when he hears approaching feet

The feet come first
crunch crunch on the loose gravel
then the loud knock
then the voice
– Annie, you there?
a man’s voice, loud & booming

How can he not know she’s at work?
he thinks, reluctant to field questions
subject himself to scrutiny
– Annie?
the voice is closer
under the window
the footsteps start to circle the house

39

he hopes devoutly the door is locked

– Ah gidday
I was looking for Annie, you know
the gennie’s gone bust again
I didn’t know she had company
or I’d a knocked some more before coming busting in
a pause
it’s evident something’s expected at this point

– She’s gone to work
A couple of hours ago
She said she’d be back for lunch
– Lunch, eh? That can’t be too far off
you don’t mind if I wait?
there’s a couple of things I got to talk over with her, ya know
& I was kind of counting on catching up with her this morning
maybe you can rustle us up a cup of tea?

No I’d prefer to be left alone
hardly seems a possible reply
& before long he finds himself searching through cupboards
trying to find the makings of a pot of tea
the kitchen, like the rest of this house
is a little dilapidated & overgrown
with odd utensils & drifts of packages
but contains a reasonable supply of fresh milk
bread, biscuits, vegetables
he feels guilty at going through her things like this
but it seems better than the alternative
leaving the neighbour to conduct a search
who is he, anyway? A friend, an older relative?
an uncle, it appears
when tea is poured & conversation resumes
uncle Bill

– Yeah, I guess I’m the only family she’s got left now

40

now the old fella’s dead
me nephew, too – her brother
you’ve got a bit of a look of him, actually
has she said? I guess she wouldn’t
I dunno if I should tell you, really
but I guess you’ll find out sooner or later
he wasn’t a very happy kid
& it kept on getting worse as he got older
needed constant looking after, cheering up
they had to send him to the hospital in the end
but that wasn’t no good either
& then when they sent him home she had to look after him
Annie was like that, always giving things up for other people
helping out
it got so’s she was the only one he’d talk to , come out to see even
I think he got violent with her sometimes, but she never said
knew that if she let on he’d go back in there
only this time they wouldn’t let him out
so she put up with it
It must have been years
let’s see – at least three years, maybe more
and then he did it

– Did what?
– killed himself
oh, nobody ever proved it wasn’t an accident
but there was lots of pills in his stomach when they found him
maybe he’d mistaken the dose
he was on pills
& Annie was good at making sure he took them
& hiding them away afterwards
the funny thing was, there was nothing missing from the bottles
he must have got the stuff from somewhere else
it was a shame she had to find him
I guess that was one of the worst things about it
she took it pretty hard

41

– What about her parents?
– both dead by then
Maggie, that was my sister – half-sister, really
but we always treated each other like brother & sister
she went first, when Annie was still at school
her Dad looked after her after that
& I guess he did his best, but it wasn’t the same
Mickey, Michael going off like that almost did for him
though it was the cancer that got him
after that Annie was on her own
but maybe I’m putting you off with all this family talk
are you & her …?
– just friends
how else could one put it?
she found me on the beach this morning
I’ve lost my memory, & maybe I reminded her of her brother
though she didn’t mention that
in fact I didn’t know anything about her until now?
– are you staying here, then?
sorry to be such a nosey parker
but there’s lots of things round here that need fixing up
I’ve been meaning to come down myself & do some repairs
but if you’re here
you’ll be wanting to help out?

– I’m not really sure
I just arrived today
– but you’ll be here a while?
a couple of days, anyway?
– I guess so
Annie, the house, now Bob
seems enough to cope with
now he’s faced with the prospect of finding his way back to town
whatever that town might be
finding his street, his school, his life
& with it, no doubt, his name

42

responsibilities
perhaps he’s married?
no, he doesn’t feel married
the school, the street, the flat
he gets the impression of isolation

As if chiming in with his train of thought
the old man continues
– & what line of work are you in, yourself?
Annie works in a shop up in the village
I guess you know
we all thought she could have gone on to college
been a teacher, a lawyer, anything
but Mickey did for all that
not that it was his fault, of course, poor lad

– I’m a teacher
so much seems true
at a Language school
– Oh, a teacher, educated man
that’s good, that’s good
you’ll be a bit of reader, then?
I like a good read myself
not novels, biographies, mainly books
about real things that happen
I read a lot about UFOs, that kind of stuff

No answer seems to suggest itself
he does know, vaguely, what a UFO is
though the significance of the word itself escapes him
the old man notices his hesitation
& shifts tack to another line of conversation
– I spose you don’t get much time for reading yourself
with all that marking, watching kids in the playground
I always thought that Annie’d make a good teacher
not that she’s ever had kids, mind you
but she seems to understand them pretty well

43

better than I ever did anyway
I didn’t really know her too well
till she shifted out here, in fact
just Christmas, that kind of thing
It was only after her Dad & Mickey died
that she gave up living in the city, moved out here
It was cheaper, she said
but I guess the main thing was to get away from it all
all those bad memories
I know a few fellas around here
& I helped her get set up in this little place

he surveys the malodorous dwelling with pride

– Me own place is up over the hill
not too near by, I got sense enough not to crowd her
family’s one thing, but living on top of each other’s another
I come on down maybe once a fortnight, once a week
& sometimes she comes up to see me at my place
it’s a bit more bush than this, mind you
maybe you’ll come up with Annie, check it out?

The old man stays on a bit longer
then, as it becomes increasingly apparent
that Annie will not be back anytime soon
announces he had more errands to run
& buggers off

Left alone in the house
he feels more restless than before
what is he doing here?
how did he get on that beach?
maybe he should just go, walk out
hitchhike to the nearest town
wherever that is
walk around until he sees something familiar
finds a friendly face?

44

it sounds increasingly flimsy the more he thinks about it
for better or worse, Annie, her house
her circle of acquaintance is his lifeline
letting go of that just now would be insane
she might well kick him out
one could hardly blame her if she did
she clearly has her own stuff to sort out
but at least he can get some leads from her
some clues, some hints about where he is

The book he finally settles down to is a strange one
A Field Guide to the Other World
it claims that eldritch sprits are all around us
but that the forms in which people see them
the writer calls them daimons
lake monsters, yetis, aliens, fairies
are simply a glamour they cast on the eye
we have no way of telling what they are
or even if they really exist
they represent the return of the repressed

Annie is Clara’s friend, the girl in love with pearls
here – innocent, self-sacrificing
sister of mercy

Princesse lointaine – Princess Nausicäa

45

I got out to stretch my legs at the Summit Café – 555 m to the top of the Rimutakas, the sign said – I thought they meant a brief walk behind the café to a viewing area. Not so. As the path meandered on, I realized I had got onto some kind of walkway stretching right along the range. And so turned back.

On the way back to the parking lot, I started to think about what I’d do if my car was gone when I got there. ‘Learning how to get lost’ – that was what Michael had talked about that afternoon, over a glass of shiraz at lunch. Reading the maps, then forgetting them and walking round on instinct.

My money, my clothes were all in the car – luggage, books, i.d. cards. I had no friends nearby to call – no friends with cars, at any rate – Perhaps I’d hitchhike on – stop at the next town, try and get a job, disappear: identity, antecedents all erased. One more wanderer among the millions on the endless leagues of Middle Earth.

46

It’s like that game where you draw a head on the top of a piece of paper
then fold it over, leaving only a little bit of the neck visible.
The next person draws a body, then folds that over
leaving only the tops of the legs visible.
The last one draws the legs.

The idea is to make the visible sections as deceptive as possible
to fool the next person.

But what if that person’s you?

The results are generally discordant and grotesque.

47

Session 13 (18/9 – 8.29 a.m.):

the girls were playing some kind of game tossing a large leather ball to and fro their young bodies sweating and gleaming in the sun tela and sabra sat down in the shade wait here their guide said

he disappeared into the shadowy grove

the girls were chanting each one a new line as the ball reached her one of them a little shorter than the rest was obviously having difficult with the responses hanging onto the ball longer than she should as her lips worked

stop

a commanding voice rang out

They’re practicing for when they play in earnest, for their lives
– S. Baring Gould

48

Session 14 (20/9 – 8.33 a.m.):

– Nope, that’s not it
They’ve borrowed a car from a friend of Annie’s
& are driving up & down the city streets
hoping to jog his memory
nothing looks familiar
so much seems to hinge on that last day
the street, the school, the dream
he’s replayed them so often in his mind
that he’s beginning to fear that’s all they are
just wish-fulfiment dreams
the last spasms of an oxygen-starved mind

Annie is nothing if not ingenious
she starts by trying to make a list
of all the language schools in the city
but there are hundreds of them
and all his suggested clues
the curious Eastern names, the student’s faces
are apparently so common as to be
quite useless
after that they look at maps
trying to spot any likely street configurations

It seems as if they’ve been doing nothing for hours
except cruise down streets
trying to spot strange numbers
names addresses
in the long garish semi-colonial blocks of shops
that fence the city’s outer suburbs
all in all , they’ve had enough

– Time for a coffee, she says
pulling up beside a greengrocer’s
this city lives on fruit & vegetables
seen from its highest point

49

the skytower
it’s a riot of green trees
lawns, bushes, gardens, golf courses
two doors down is a little sidewalk café
with chairs out in the sun

He gratefully takes a seat
while she goes inside to order
she’s tried him out with money
only to find he can’t read
the denominations on the notes
or even keep track of a simple set of coins
he understands the concept
but the reality has flown away

It’s a Saturday afternoon
& the city is still sleepy
he edges under the umbrella
his sunburn is still causing him
a lot of pain
though Annie’s rubbed him with ointment
a couple of times
she performs such tasks with detached efficiency
as if they were so familiar as to hold
no complications
he felt quite bashful at first
then gave in & meekly accepted her ministrations

He thinks of her increasingly
as a kind efficient older sister
there are no photos in her house
so he can’t tell if he resembles her brother
in any way except his helplessness
but it’s not too hard to guess
that’s part of it

For a while, after she sits down

50

they stare at each other
– why are you helping me like this?
before she can reply, he continues
– it’s not as if I’m not grateful
it’s just that I don’t quite understand
I mean, you don’t know anything about me
& yet you’ve taken me in, fed me
you’re driving me around … why?

– I guess … you just need help
it seems the least that I can do

– But why you?
why is it your problem?
I think your Uncle Bob
assumed that I was kind of
like your boyfriend
but there’s nothing like that, is there?

– No, of course not
it’s not that
I don’t even think about you that way
I haven’t had a boyfriend for
well, it seems like ages
or a girlfriend either
before you look at me that way

– What way? I don’t understand

– Never mind
that wasn’t really fair
let me ask you a question, then
since we’re being honest with each other
what happens if you find this school
you’re looking for?
what will you do then?
bye Annie, thanks for your all your help

51

seeya round sometime?

– I don’t know, I just don’t know
but … you do understand, don’t you?
I need to find out who I am
why I was on that beach
what’s happening to me …

– Why do you need to know that stuff?
there’s a lot of bad things in my life
that I’d do anything to just erase, forget

– Yeah, but would you want to give up your life entirely?
have no memory of who you are
what you’d done
in the whole time you’ve been alive
it’s weird
I just can’t describe how it is
every moment I live through now
it’s like I’m alive for the first time
I know what everything is
phones, tables, coffee cups, all that
but I can’t remember any examples
I can’t remember drinking a particular cup of coffee
with a particular person
on a particular day
so far as I’m concerned
this is the first time
I’ve ever sat down in a café & had a conversation
I can’t remember my parents, for God’s sake
I can’t remember my mother’s face!

– I’m sorry
that was really crass of me
it’s just … what if we can’t find it?
what if we do & there’s no one there
who recognises you?

52

Saturday, 5th April – In Whitianga. Crossed over on the ferry from the other side of the harbour; now we’re eating at a rather Innsmouth-like seaside inn. How are things going? It’s hard to tell – well enough, to all appearances. Have to find a way of doing your own thing without inhibiting the other.


Later … – Failed. “No spark there,” was the only coherent thing that came out of the whole discussion. I knew it was over by the end of the drive back from Coromandel on Monday, but had to wait till Thursday to hear it confirmed (after an excursion to see those Topp Twin turkeys in concert). One gets a bit tired of rolling with the punches sometimes, but I suppose there’s no alternative.

More thoughts. Was I really in love? No: fascinated, beguiled, on the highway to, but not there yet – it’s melted away almost entirely now. Cashed in that horrible treatment, though – le priapisme, c’est l’homme. An unusually futile criterion.

53

Session 15 (21/9 – 8.45 a.m.):

– I know, I know
It may not even be there
I mean
most of what I remember from … before
is dreams
what if that was just another dream?
what if I’m not from here at all?
what if I was just visiting
or I’ve erased six months
between that last day & now?
there’s no way of knowing
only … I get flashes from time to time
like, I look at this coffee cup
& I kind of see another one
or a whole series of them
a kind of summary of all the coffee cups
I ever came across
that’s not a very good example
It’s like déjà vu
it never translates into an actual memory
but I feel there’s a kind of history
to what I’m doing
I don’t feel like a baby in the world
I feel kind of like a computer that’s been restarted
without a whole bunch of files
the individuality software

– Man, that’s weird
it really is
I mean
I don’t know anything about amnesia
nothing beyond watching TV shows & things
but there must be doctors
who could help you with that?

54

who could give you drugs
or hypnotise you or something?

– I don’t like doctors

– I know
I mean, I don’t like them either
I mean, when Mickey was
I guess Bob told you all about it
I just remember all those drugs they made him take
he’d swell up sometimes
his skin would get all puffy
or he’d tell me that his eyes felt like
they were turning backwards into his head
& eventually they’d say that it was a rare side-effect
but by then we’d been through six months
of screaming nightmares & fits
sorry, I guess that’s not much use
I’m supposed to be trying
to talk you into this

– Of course you’re right
I may have to … at some stage
but it seems like a last resort, you know?
I keep on thinking every morning when I wake up
that it’ll just be there
I’ll be able to remember everything again
& then I can’t …

– & I guess when you do
you’ll forget all about this
about everything that’s happened to you since

– I honestly don’t know
maybe
but I really can’t believe
I’ll ever forget about you

55

As they sit there, companionably
in the late afternoon sunshine
he thinks he sees her
the silver-haired girl
differently dressed, it’s true
wearing a brief top & some jeans
coming out of a shop
on the other side of the street

By the time he gets across
cars still scare him a bit
so big & fast
he hasn’t yet got his timing back
she’s gone
he tries casting up & down the street
in both directions
but there’s no sign of her

Annie’s still waiting there patiently
as he trails back

Is Annie’s uncle Bob or Bill?

Inconsistencies are scary

56

So, gave myself the usual injection last night. They’d been almost entirely inefficacious up to now, so I didn’t feel at all concerned about it. This one was very effective. I injected it at 6 pm, and then began gradually to start worrying when it didn’t subside, and didn’t subside …. Tried, icepacks, Sudafed, hot showers, the works … (everything except violent exercise, it must be admitted). Did I dose myself from the second, stronger bottle by mistake?

At about 11.45 I gave in and tried to ring the clinic (according to the instructions on their form: Don’t delay – contact us at any hour of the day or night). There was no luck with either of the numbers, so I tried the emergency one. Only after he’d started to give directions for getting to his place, did I realise the Doctor I was speaking to was in Sydney … luckily the other, local doctor had picked up his messages by then; he, however, was in Coromandel, holidaying with his kids.

He said I should go to the Emergency ward, and that he’d ring ahead to alert them I was coming. North Shore proved a non-starter (no “urological registrar” on duty), so he rang again to direct me to Auckland Hospital.

Oh God! Parking was a bitch – the whole place one immense construction site, with signs tacked up here and there over an ocean of concrete and mud. They did know who I was when I finally got to Emergency, though, so I was led to a bed and questioned by a succession of nurses, doctors, form-filler-ins, etc. The same humiliating story to rehearse each time.

Luckily the erection began to subside as I sat there by the bed (“luckily” because I had absolutely no desire to have a needle inserted in my cock to drain out excess blood …) The Chinese surgical registrar – Call me Chen – contented himself with ice-packs and some heavy-handed squeezing of the offending member through clammy plastic gloves.

Got there about 12.45, left around 2.15 am, after an hour on my back with a bag of ice – Between your balls and your anus ... that’s where it does most good. It was a relief (of sorts) though. At least the thing went down.

I’m giving up that treatment – it scares me shitless now. In any case, I’m feeling particularly uninterested in sex just at the moment. When will I be ready for that down-elevator again? Unlucky in love, lucky in … who knows what?

57

Session 16 (22/9 – 8.17 a.m.):

Micael turned in, leaving the girls to [ ]
the way girls always do late at [ ]
“Is that a birthmark?” Tela asked, almost [ ]
“This?” She said, showing off her [ ]
It was really a large heart-shaped [ ]
about 1/2 inch in [ ]
“I’ve one just like that!” Sabra [ ]
“But it’s in a rather delicate [ ]
The two brunettes looked at each [ ]
as if [ ]
Sabra [ ]
then stood, pulling her blouse out and [ ]
to show Shasta her diamond shaped [ ]
“Damn! It looks identical to [ ]
“Is yours in a place where you need a mirror to [ ]
When Shasta [ ]
Sabra spread her legs, touching her [ ]
“Right about [ ]
Shasta’s eyes flashed. “Uh-huh.” she said [ ]
There was a dead silence in the [ ]
The two brunettes locked eyes, hearts [ ]
Shasta stood, unzipping her jeans and sliding them down her [ ]
Tela felt herself getting aroused at the sight of Shasta’s [ ]
Sabra was hardly breathing as her hand fumbled with the [ ]
Shasta stepped out of her pastel pink [ ]
revealing her neatly trimmed [ ]
She tanned well, judging by the [ ]
Tela felt herself getting [ ]
Sabra’s pants finally came down, along with her [ ]
Sabra’s thick bush obscured her [ ]
the one Tela [ ]
“Let me see yours again.” Tela [ ]

58

Rather than pulling her top [ ]
Shasta [ ]
revealing her sheer bra and her [ ]
“Here, move your shoulder closer, I can’t [ ]
Tela said, guiding Shasta [ ]
Shasta found herself kneeling between Sabra’s [ ]
her shoulder lightly touching the girl’s warm [ ]
her own breasts pressed against the inside of Sabra’s [ ]
“If they’re not identical, they’re very, very [ ]
“Same size?” Shasta asked, holding onto Sabra’s [ ]
feeling her warm skin against her [ ]
“Yep. Or really too close to [ ]
Shasta leaned back and looked at Sabra’s [ ]
this time using her fingers to part the [ ]
Sabra jumped slightly at her [ ]
rocking her pelvis [ ]
Tela put her hand just above Sabra’s [ ]
“Be still.” Tela [ ]
The sight of Sabra’s [ ]
wasn’t lost on [ ]
Her own pussy was quickly getting [ ]
“Take your top off.” Tela told [ ]
Sabra was naked now, lithe and [ ]
She saw Shasta looking at her [ ]
Tela told Shasta to slide up on the [ ]
then had Sabra lay between Shasta’s [ ]
positioning her so that her diamond shaped [ ]
was as close as possible to [ ]
Shasta was on her [ ]
“Measure them [ ]
Tela used her fingernail and measured the length of Sabra’s [ ]
then reached between Shasta’s [ ]
Shasta’s hips jerked as Tela touched her [ ]
then began a very slow [ ]

59

it was like a headache at the back of your eyes before the pain comes but when you know that the slightest move or exertion will bring it on its waiting there imbedded in you and then the waves of nausea come over you until you cant tolerate it any more and feel you have to do something anything cut yourself with a penknife pinch your skin until the nails break through but it comes in waves and then it retreats leaving you able to sit up and breathe again

tela had had it since she was a child before the tremors came she would feel them she tried to tell her nurse about it once only to find the womans eyes glaring at her with superstitious terror and that had put her off

perhaps if her mother had lived her father always seemed too distant too austere to approach with such things shed been so little when he walked into the lava and after that all her feelings were best hidden away when her uncles rule began

sabra listened silently saying nothing telas voice faltered her brown eyes looked deep into her friends looking for some hint of disbelief some instinctive moving away

at length she spoke you say you feel it every time

no not always i only know that when i feel it something is going to happen its hard to be sure when or where but when it comes i feel it feel the release

do you feel it more when its a bigger shock?

i think so yes not bigger but nearer sometimes its just half an hour or so before sometimes a full day

do you feel it now?

no not since the day we met

i think youd better tell them sappho and the others it might come in useful

theyll think im crazy

yes

60

Session 17 (23/9 – 8.33 a.m.):

It wasn’t long before Tela straddled Shasta’s [ ]
lowering her blonde pussy onto her [ ]
Sabra slid [ ]
kissing her way down Shasta’s body until she came to her [ ]
Shasta was rocking her [ ]
her slit glistening with her [ ]
Sabra licked the length of Shasta’s [ ]
tasting her sweet [ ]
“Want to switch? She’s so delicious!” Sabra said [ ]
Tela gave her a sensuous smile and [ ]
Their scents filled the [ ]
as did their moans of [ ]
Tela pressed her face into Sabra’s soft tits as she [ ]
licking her friend’s entire [ ]
Sabra slowly moved off of [ ]
pulling her hand from Tela’s pussy with a wet [ ]
Shasta started to [ ]
moaning louder and louder until she [ ]
“Oh! OH! OH!! YESS! [ ]
Make me [ ]
The three girls slowly began [ ]
this time kneeling in a triangle to rub each other’s [ ]
A creak in the hallway startled them and they all looked at the [ ]
Standing in the [ ]
looking slightly rumpled from sleep was [ ]
wearing only a pair of [ ]
his semi-hard shaft [ ]
Sabra and Tela were instantly [ ]
Shasta laughed. “Oh, jeez! We woke up the [ ]
“What a sight you three are.” Micael said [ ]
a smile on his [ ]
“If I’d know this was going to [ ]

61

I would have set up the [ ]
Tela realized that he wasn’t bothered by their [ ]
In fact, he seemed rather [ ]
“Come join us then.” She [ ]
reaching right into his pajamas and squeezing his [ ]
Micael’s eyes opened [ ]
He wasn’t used to [ ]
Tela’s slender, naked [ ]
and the scent of horny women [ ]
Micael grabbed Tela and kissed her [ ]
cupping her ass with his [ ]
Sabra now felt some [ ]
try as she might to [ ]
She knew that they both liked [ ]
but had some trouble dealing with [ ]
Tela led Micael into the room, holding his [ ]
She undid his pajamas and he [ ]
Micael’s cock was [ ]
almost like a [ ]
It was just over eight inches and not too [ ]
Tela pushed him back on the [ ]
taking command of the [ ]
“Who’s first?” She asked, looking at [ ]
“Shasta ? Show us [ ]
Tela was surprised when Shasta [ ]
saying that Sabra should [ ]
Tela grabbed Sabra’s arm and pulled her towards [ ]
Almost in a dream like trance Sabra straddled his [ ]
lowering her slick pussy onto [ ]
Sabra gasped, then [ ]
working him into her [ ]
“Ohhhhhh, mmmmmmmmm!” they both [ ]
Micael grabbed Sabra’s ass and began a slow [ ]
Sabra’s eyes were [ ]

62

thats the last thing that theyll think all this is crazy if you like this school these rituals the cave theyre all directed at one thing remember that prophecy they talk about the cataclysm if its coming youre going to feel it

do you think thats why we came here

who can say if you believe in that stuff i just think that the earthquakes do seem to be getting worse and who knows where theyll end i cant see all this helping but having you as an early warning device cant do any harm have you noticed those little cage birds people keep around the city the lemurs in the cages over there thats why we keep them but they cant say anything they just look a little sick sometimes before the shock comes you can tell us how you feel

do you think im strange

of course thats why i love you youre a princess im a slumgirl

fisher girl

the strange thing is we ever met at all

im glad we did

som i

the two smiled at each other shyly till tela dropped her eyes she couldnt describe or explain exactly how she felt she only knew that it was a little like her sickness like vertigo and yet this seemed like something she welcomed a sense of the quickening life within her

its safer here among the trees

63

Session 18 (24/9 – 9.12 a.m.):

While he ate her [ ]
Tela sucked on her friend’s [ ]
Shasta alternating between Tela’s and Sabra’s [ ]
Sabra moved [ ]
cradling Tela’s head to her [ ]
“Oh, yes. Fuck me! He’s [ ]
He’s fucking my [ ]
It’s so [ ]
Make me [ ]
Shasta’s hands were [ ]
touching both the girls, pulling on [ ]
squeezing [ ]
Finally, Shasta put her index fingers into both girls’ [ ]
Tela’s spasmed nicely around her [ ]
but she could feel Micael’s [ ]
pistoning in and out of Sabra’s [ ]
Sabra’s cries pulled everyone [ ]
Micael’s hips slammed into [ ]
then he drove [ ]
almost lifting her off the [ ]
Moans of passion filled the [ ]
as did the heavy scent of [ ]
Sabra sat down on his [ ]
cramming it [ ]
She could feel the hot sperm filling her [ ]
feel it flowing down the walls of her [ ]
Tela pushed her [ ]
reaching down and pulling out Micael’s [ ]
He was still [ ]
his cock slippery and [ ]
Tela leaned forward and lapped at the [ ]
that began to pour out of Sabra’s [ ]

64

Sabra [ ]
bucking her hips into Tela’s [ ]
They moved off [ ]
whose face was wet with Tela’s [ ]
He grinned at the sight of Sabra and Tela [ ]
sharing his [ ]
Shasta caressed the two [ ]
letting them [ ]
A few moments later, Sabra looked over at [ ]
“I think he needs some [ ]
indicating Micael’s [ ]
“Why don’t you have some [ ]
“Silly.” Tela smiled, “Haven’t you [ ]
“Sorry Tela. You’re [ ]
Shasta smiled, sliding a finger into Tela’s [ ]
“I’m not gay. I love [ ]
Both girls sat up. “Huh?” Tela asked, very [ ]
“She’s not my girlfriend.” Micael laughed. “She’s my [ ]
Shasta [ ]
Tela’s eyes showed great [ ]
But Sabra [ ]
“Atlanteans.” Sabra [ ]
“I love [ ]

Sabra replaces Tela in the dungeon of the sacrifice
Tela awakes to find herself on a ship sailing away from shore
as the land goes down in ruin
Sabra is left standing on the last promontory
as the lava rolls beneath her
& the priests are swallowed up in flame


something like that

65

• the Buddhist Stupa
• No Dogs in Northern Campgrounds
• the closed gate
• three stone-blows
• the ford
• the open gate
• the track
• the motor camp
• the card-phone box
• three dead possums in the road
• the wooden bridge to nowhere
• the broken concrete jetty
• No Dust Please

13 gates of the Land of Shadow

66

Session 19 (25/9 – 8.47 a.m.):

– There’s a thing tonight I have to go to
you don’t need to wait up
– can’t I come, too?
– no … at least
do you want to?
I mean, go out, see people?
– d’you think they’d mind?
– nah, not at all
the more the merrier
it’s just
some people think it’s kind of weird
it’s like a … study group, I guess
or a kind of ritual thing
– like a church?
– yeah, I guess
a bit
but not Christian, you know
or any religion like that
it’s sort of …
people would call it New Age, I guess
kind of like tuning in on the planet’s energies
I don’t know that much about it
but I like to go along sometimes

– I won’t come if you think I’ll be in the way
or you’d rather … you know
be alone
I mean, you must get tired of having me around
– no, what gave you that idea!
it’s nice to have company
you know, I was kind of lonely here
I mean, I didn’t realize it at the time
but now that you’ve been here a while, I …
it’s more that I thought you might find it

67

difficult if you got talking to anyone
to explain

– I could just say I was your cousin or something
say that I come from somewhere nearby
– best not to lie
I mean, not normally, perhaps
but at these things we try to tell the truth
& act … you know … correctly
I think that if anyone asks
you ought to tell them
or at the very least say
that you can’t say anything
– sounds like I’ll be the hit of the party
– it’s not a party, that’s the point
it’s quite a serious thing
– I’m sorry
I just thought
maybe there’ll be someone there I know
that I knew before
– no, you’re right
I’m being selfish
you definitely ought to come along

– What should I wear?
she laughs
– oh, you don’t need any special clothes
just what you’ve got on’ll be all right
those old clothes of Mickey’s
that’s the thing, you see
we’ll all be naked

We’ll all be naked – best to tell the truth
no matter how unpalatable, unsatisfactory
stasis – impotence – paralysis
of memory

68

Session 20 (27/9 – 9.05 a.m.):

Sky-clad
he can remember now
that’s what you call it
looking around, he can see it suits some better than others
it’s surprising how soon you forget about it
the place is reasonably dark anyway
illuminated by the flickering flames of the bonfire
banked up on stones in the middle of the enclosure
we must look like a bunch of ancient Britons
guarding the village from wolves
he thought at first
but now it seems … natural, somehow
not nearly as strange as the city streets

The procedure is an interesting one
there’s no way a group of people
accustomed to sober everyday coverings
can strip off and walk naked into a gathering
even a gathering of friends

Instead, they begin with drinks
casks of wine, chateau cardboard
large iced barrels of beer
then a barbecue
plastic forms & paper plates & steaks & sausages & salad
nut-roast & marinated mushrooms for the vegetarians
then the music

The stereo speakers have been resounding
all through the preliminaries
but now some of the group
athletic men & women
stripped to the waist
start drumming on a kind of trellis-frame
of odds & ends of wood & pipe

69

the noises, rhythmic patterns they produce are complex
yet somehow compelling
it’s getting hot
the fire blazes up
fed with ever larger logs
a young woman is the first to begin
dancing wildly at the centre of a clapping circle
she pulls off, one by one, her top
her sandals
& her wraparound skirt
one after the other, the dancers around her come into the ring
with more or less grace
& repeat the baring of their bodies

He’s been hanging back
talking little, drinking (as a result)
rather too much
when he finds himself caught up in one such group
in a sense it is harder not to strip
dance like a disciple of Bacchus
than to give in

The younger people
tawny flanks striped by firelight
can apparently keep this up forever
but shortly afterward he drops out
retreats to the outskirts of the light
sits in the darkness with the stars wheeling around him

He’s conscious of the droning voices
long before his mind can decipher any of their message
belatedly he realizes
while the dancing & the drumming still continue
in their circle of trodden earth
another ceremony has begun beside them
in a darkened amphitheatre of logs

70

What he can hear intrigues him
it sounds like a creation myth
with repetitive snatches of chant & antiphon,
voices raised tighter
he can’t see Annie so sits down at the farthest edge
a hand immediately seizes his
a body presses beside him, a woman’s body
on the other side his hand
comes down on someone’s thigh
withdrawing it quickly
he’s surprised when it’s put back in the same place

Seated companionably
albeit somewhat nervously
between the older man & younger woman
deductions from the respective textures
of their skin and hands
he begins to listen

The story, if it is a story
rather than an immense farrago
of confusing names & places
concerns some primal tragedy
some group of people were too arrogant
and were thus expelled from somewhere very nice
on the night of their departure
the wind & rain rise
& in the morning, from their ship
nothing can be seen but dark fogbanks
& arrows of descending flame
then the explosion, & the wave

As the voice speaks
it comes from an old, rather wizened man
in the centre of the circle
he has a feeling of double exposure
as if he can actually see the scenes being described

71

Above all he can see the wave
that black & overarching wall of water
rising behind them in their tiny boats
lifting them up up up
hundreds of feet
then reluctantly letting them down again
while it continues its inexorable progress
onto the land they’ve left behind

Released some few of them, that is
more than half of their dozens of boats
are swept along with it, as it speeds on
to crash & break above their darkened homeland

The survivors journey on
through the storms
the drifts of burning pumice & volcanic debris
the lightning bolts
till they come to a group of islands
an ancient outpost of their empire
a harbour like the one they’ve left
built on a hundred hills
a climate not unlike their own
though everything seems changed in that respect
as if the cataclysm has reversed their up & down
switched the positions of the very stars
so they can never find their way back
to their ruined homeland

This new green country will be henceforth their home …
at this point he dozes off
or drops into a deeper region of sleep
waking at times
to scenes half-glimpsed in firelight
scenes so bizarre
as to make him question if they too are dreams
maenads

72

Session 21 (28/9 – 8.25 a.m.):

– So how much of all that was real?
Annie, once more fully-dressed
has shaken him awake
in the cold wet light of the morning after
the clothes she’s holding aren’t his
but fit him not too badly

– How much of what?
– I dunno
when that old guy was talking
I seemed to be able to see the things he was talking about
the islands, the volcanic eruption, the great wave

– Let’s go
let’s get out of here
she seems reluctant to talk
here at any rate

The walk home is largely silent
as they reach the house
she turns to him & says
– I’m going to have a shower
got to wash this foul
stuff off

He observes with a shudder
that her nails are caked black
dirt, mould, corruption?
those red stains on her body
are they wine, or blood?

What’s held there
cupped inside her hand
he neither sees nor knows